Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
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If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Oh no
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.