have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
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Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
my mom making me talk to relatives
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Do not steal food from the science building!
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??