[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
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me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
My dream job is getting paid to dream
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink