How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
You Might Also Like
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Body by cheese-puffs.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Planet of the Apps.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.