If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Who does Amazon think I am?
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button