so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.