Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
You Might Also Like
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Wait a second…
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.