Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
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I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.