GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
You Might Also Like
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.