Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
You Might Also Like
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Breaking news:
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
When I can’t barge, I careen.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty