It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Think I pulled my liver
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.