Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg