My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
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Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Bit chilly again tonight.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
How actors in movies eat their food
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
Not today
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
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