so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
You Might Also Like
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything