My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
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[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*looks at you in batman voice*
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.