Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
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Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
seems like a niche market
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.