Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
You Might Also Like
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Britain be like
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week