Just in case to be clear #gbbo
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Sooo many times…..
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.