[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
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Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
a public service announcement
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.