[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
You Might Also Like
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
jesus, what did this guy do
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
not seeing the problem
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*