Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
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make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.