I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
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If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
this could fix me
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know