What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
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I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
when you are just born a rebel
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree