Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
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To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock