“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
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FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Covid like
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”