Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
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If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER