I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.