My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
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[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
british sex workers really pound for pound
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.