*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
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88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
A Short Story.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.