Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
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Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.