Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
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All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Cndnsd Mlk
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.