“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
😎 🍻
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!