I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
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Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Ion see the issue
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
I have two kinds of followers
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.