I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
nyc:
Festive toon…
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.