*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
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Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
This meal prepping shit easy
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.