I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
i baked you a cake
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.