I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
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[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.