Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
How can I say no to this ?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Poetry is my passion
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie