ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
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Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
There is no “ea” in Tim.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”