9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Not recommended for beginners.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.