Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
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Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
calling in to work dehydrated