First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
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If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.