I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.