*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.