On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
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It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
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[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Golf would be better with landmines.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot