me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left