Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
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If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away