My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
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[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑