Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
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Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in