13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
😆this is so true